Fire Butterfly


epic fail especially the fire line part

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Writing in English


I’m not proud I’m able to blog or rant about many things in English.

I really am not proud.

Some might see me as a showoff, but really, it’s nothing to be proud or showoff of.

 

I’m not good at expressing my opinion in Bahasa, especially written/typed. I can argue orally in Bahasa, but composing something that remains on a paper or screen, so people will be able to reread it is not easy.

When you speak orally, the tone, the intonation, expression, those all can help you, but in writing, you’re completely alone.

I find it harder now to write in Bahasa (in a way of making piece of art). I’m a native speaker, so I knew the basic, I knew the structure and all, but I’m weak at vocabulary and diction. I can’t make something beautiful. Something that soothes you when you read it. This person nails it, but I’m struggling. Writing in English is harder, but I have excuses (I’m not native et cetera) and there are much theories that I still need to learn.

When writing in Bahasa, it’s purely skills, purely talent since I already knew the basic rules. I think I’m just not practicing enough, not reading enough. When I read stories in Bahasa, they’re mostly translated from English which give me awkward references.

I’m not a fan of hard-to-understand style of writing. I’m more of a plot person. I adore twists, details, and the way of explanation. What I seek from reading are adventure and emotion, I want a story that can move me to tears, or make my stomach hurts from laughing too much. I can’t feel that if I don’t understand what it’s trying to say.

Yes, it’s really dumb to say I don’t understand Bahasa more than English.

But somehow, English is simpler and more straightforward. It contains some words I don’t understand, but you can always guess it.

There are so few Indonesian authors whose piece is remarkable for me, one of them is Andrea Hirata. I cried and laughed over his work. His books are different, the plot is interesting, the way he explains things is wonderful and not so confusing, not to mention they’re full of moral value. I got the emotion I wanted and things to learn as awesome plus.

Well, if it’s about the confusing language, how can I enjoy the Indonesian-translated version of Lord of the Rings? Because it’s detailed, and translated piece is always more straightforward, it just contains overwhelming details, which in my personal opinion is fabulous and other thinks it’s boring. And moreover, I’m a sucker for fantasy.  The English version? I could barely read. I needed days to finish one chapter of The Silmarillion, and still never fully understand the whole chapter, then I gave up, it’s just beyond my reach.

I stopped reading teenlits, chicklits, and other lits years ago.  There’s one teenlit I read i don’t know, five years ago? It’s remarkable because of the plot and because it’s funny, not cheesily funny. And it was written by a middle school girl, I’m not kidding. I tried to find it three years ago, but it’s gone.

And there’s Confetti. I’m not sure if it’s teenlit or not but I remember I enjoyed it so much. I don’t remember the story clearly (I have a rotten brain, sorry), it’s about friendship though, I’m sure. I enjoyed 5cm but it didn’t stir my emotion as much Sang Pemimpi did to me.

My friends all love Dee’s works, but I don’t enjoy them as much. She’s a wonderful author, the diction awes me, but I don’t get the sparks to be honest. I guess it’s just personal taste. I did enjoy her Madre short story in Madre and Perahu Kertas and some stories in Recto Verso. I don’t have the right nor competence to criticize her or anything. It’s just pure personal taste.

I could never write like her, anyways. /sobs/

As I write this, I come to the conclusion that I just don’t read enough. I read translated piece too much. I should read Indonesian books more.

And about blogging in English, I guess it’s because my personality.

I don’t feel comfortable blogging in Bahasa because I feel like I blurt everything out. I feel vulnerable, naked with what I say in Bahasa. I’m not good at coating my words to make it more… conservative? When I write in Bahasa I feel too straightforward. It’s like I’m spilling everything out. I want to write what I want to say, but I still feel uncomfortable with the fact that people know right away what I’m feeling, what I am, the way I’m thinking.

Stupid insecurities, I must say.

It’s like I want to be half understood half not. People know but still guessing.

This is stupid and doesn’t make sense.

About writing in English overall, my grammar is still awful, my vocabulary is really limited, I still often go to Google to translate this and that word. You don’t know how many times I get back some sentences because I made grammar/spelling mistake.

All of this blogging in English is just a desperate attempt of a girl who want to stay mysterious and introverted.

Which is a huge fail in many ways.

Nothing to be proud of.

Instead, I feel it’s embarrassing.

I’m not showing off.

And I’m desperately trying to tell you that.

6:05 am

another all-nighter, my brain has already gone on and off

Sacrifice


The real sacrifice is not dying for someone you love. It’s just not.

It’s not about throwing yourself onto a flying dagger in order to protect someone you love. I don’t know. Maybe people don’t get the way I think, but I strongly believe it’s just a coward act. It’s because you’re so afraid of losing that certain person you choose death. It’s because you’re afraid and you choose that person to feel the guilty feeling, the losing, instead.

I’ve never been dead before, so of course I don’t know how it feels to be dead, or at least, on the edge of being dead, but when you feel so in love to the point you can’t afford to lose that person, maybe death seems like an easier and less painful choice.

Okay, maybe it’s not braveless either. Death is still something most people fear the most.

But it’s the same as comitting suicide, it’s not a fully brave act either. People commit suicide because they want to run away from something. I know some people believe that committing suicide is a hard and brave decision. But isn’t it braver to stand the pain and whatever coming to their way than to choose the certainly uncertain path which requires ending life in the process?

It’s like choosing between something which certainly hurting and tough and hard (which is continuing life) and something so vague, so foggy, which is death. I don’t know what happens after we die, is it forever numbness? is it heaven? is it hell? As someone who has religion, a Catholic to be exact, I’m believing in heaven and hell, yet how can we be certain we’ll end up where? I don’t know, I mean, how do you know you’re good enough to be in heaven? or aren’t you a bit afraid of hell when considering suicide?

I’m not a risk-taker, I think. I don’t think I will skip world’s suffering and go straight to endless torture in hell, when at least I have chance to avoid that endless torture if I’m being good enough.

Now this rant went really off topic.

What I’m trying to say, when people choose death over life, which to me it seems they choose a dark unknown path over a torturing desert, I think they’re just betting their own live(?) for choosing something that maybe less painful maybe much more over something certainly painful. I can’t help to think that it feels coward.

I think the real sacrifice is continuing life, face the problems, the pain, whatever comes in our way for someone we truly love.

“I love you so much I’d die for you” seems much less promising to me than “I love you so much I’d go against the world if it’s necessary”.

and isn’t it egoistic when you just die for someone without thinking about the suffering that certain someone will have to go through after you die for them?

Standing tall and endure all the pain feels muuuuch more manly for me. Have I added enough ‘u’ to emphasize it? That way, you won’t leave your loved ones to endure the pain all by themselves, instead, you’ll be enduring that pain together, which I believe is more challenging and meaningful than just die on each other.

If I link it to Jesus’ sacrifice (skip if you don’t want me rant about my religion) I won’t see the death part. I see all the pain, all the blood he shed, all the mockings, all the betrayals, all the humiliation He had to go through before He died on the cross. I don’t mean I see death as nothing. I see it in a different view. The way He went through the death and came back alive showed us all how death has no strength against Him. He showed us that He went through the thing most people fear the most. Remembering that He was fully human fully God then, He had experienced all the fear we all will face one day: fear of death. He was so scared He cried blood. He was so scared to the point He, the One who truly knows how Father loves Him, doubted His Father. He was so scared He thought Father had left him.

He knew He had to go through the torture. He couldn’t back away, for He loved us too much to back away. Enduring all the pain, ignoring the overwhelming fear, accepting it so calmly, literally without any fight, that’s the BRAVEST thing someone had ever done on earth.  It’s not coward at all. And He still haven’t got the recognition He truly deserves even now, even after literally over than two thousand years went by.

I just need to remind myself about all that every time the doubt comes and gets me off guard. I’m not even going through one per one billionth of His suffering.

So you get what I mean now? No?

I mean when you choose to die for him/her, you’re being selfish. He/she is the one who will experience the pain of losing you, the guilt, the bitter fact that he/she just indirectly killed you. And you? You just die! It might be worse since maybe you’ll end up in hell, but no one knows! He/she is the one who will be having nightmares about you, crying at night, mourning over you.

There I explained it in much simpler, harsher way.

Some maybe think death is still hard choice, but it’s braver to not run away from all the pain.

That’s why I think Romeo and Juliette story is really stupid. No offense, Shakespear, but I thought it was a joke at first I heard the ending. I thought it was spin-off version. It’s just something my senses cannot reach. I’m not hating.

That’s quite a rant.

You get it now?

No?

Let me punch you in the face

3:51 am

I Need A Blanket


There’s no hidden meaning. I do need a blanket.

I’m the one who can’t stand cold the most in my family, but I’m the one who always ends up uncovered at night.

We have some blankets of course. We have two thick blankets, and bunch of the thin ones.

My sister always has the blue thick one, and since we share bed, it’s a selfish thing to have two thick blankets on the same bed, while my father and brother only got the thin ones.

I don’t know exactly how, but if I pull the blanket to cover me and my sister at night, when I wake up on the next day, it always covers my sister but not me.

I can use the thin one of course, I did use it for many times when it’s not so cold, but when it is really cold the thin blanket isn’t enough…

I’m sick of complaining about this and decided that I need to get a blanket on my own, a personal one.

It’s already added to my long shopping list, but since there’s so many important things up there in the list, I guess it has to wait.

I’ll try to stick with the thin one for the meantime.

LOL, sometimes I laugh to myself for how miserable I can be…
oh well :/

Eighteen


should i really post something about birthday?

i have my own stereotype about birthday. birthday means bad day.

really, i don’t know when this began but i realized that somehow my birthdays had gone bad at the end of the day.

 

i spent the night before to prepare myself to face birthday, i kept telling myself that whatever happen i shouldn’t get sad.

not for anyone, but i just wanted ‘me’ to enjoy her time on the day.

 

as a person, i know i’m lacking so many things and i’m annoyed for quiet a few people.

i’m aloof, ignorance, arrogant, stubborn, indifferent. i’m not a good impresser, especially towards older people.

i’m not good at stealing people interest nor making them want to know me better,

i often intimidate people by the way i’m talking,

i sometimes want to get overly involved in many things that weren’t my place,

i envy other often,

 

but thanks for the slap (?), the photo frame, the cake, they made my day brighter,

even though, the sugar needed some time to make effect, i feel better now,

i’m sorry for the lifeless expression, for the cold reply, for everything that happened today,

i messed a lot in misdinar duty too.

 

this is so pointless, so i’ll just stop it right now.

Late Night Ramble? Right, I Suck at Making Title


so, it’s almost 1 a.m now. my laptop’s clock was indicating 12:59 when i started typing, now it’s already 1 a.m.

hhhh

now i’m having a quality time with my oh-so-lovely laptop after few weeks i couldn’t touch it 😦 i just…things happened already, nothing’s special. You can tell how’s life going for a 12 grader, right?

lately, i’ve realized how talkative I am. maybe it’s gone over the top already, because i feel like i often intimidate people with it…

you know, there’s must be some people you just can’t get along with, i have few right now, and sadly they’re actually the ones i wanna get to know better.

i can say i’m pretty carefree and… indifferent? so i really, really have no  idea why this rubbish is bothering me so much.

rubbish? yes, exactly since those people don’t even give a damn about it.

i can be really pathetic at times, eh?

i really do think i talk too much sometimes, scratch that, often. i wish i can be quieter, hahaha.

for those people who might get intimidated by my talkativeness, i’m sorry, okay.

so i just found out that my old friend(s) have unfriended me on facebook.  unfriended, that’s not even a word, lol.

i don’t get why. i mean it’s fine, it’s their account. it didn’t hurt me either, not physically.

and once again, i’m asking myself, why the freaking hell i care so much?

it’s just…maybe i’ve treasured too many things way too much.

when i found that those people i treasure so much don’t feel the same way about it,

i feel down.

no, it’s not about a boy, okay! this is not about that crappy matters.

i’m talking about, well, the old friendship i still treasure, the bond that i appreciate so much, that doesn’t seem to be very valuable to other people.

this is making me feel miserable.

and i hate being miserable.

i hate look miserable.

but this bothers me freaking much, like a stupid strong mollusca who stuck on the back of my head, sucking every attention i should’ve driven to another direction.

this is ridiculous and absurd. and i hate how i care freaking much.

i’m tired.

but time. people, senses, love, all of them have a fiery whip each, to prevent me from resting.

i just don’t like caring for things, and people, who doesn’t bother to care back.

well, we all don’t, do we?

life sucks, people. Bill Gates said, get used to it.  easier said than done.

i can’t believe it took me almost a half hour to finish this post.

1:27 a.m

Finally I Worry


This doesn’t feel like a big deal of course, especially for you. But would you believe me if I say that I rarely worry?

I’m that carefree. Too carefree that I even doubt I’m sane.

However, I’m God’s spoiled daughter. Even though I rarely worry and put not many efforts into big things that happen in my life, things always turned out well at the end. I sometimes question myself, whether this is normal thing to happen or not. Why God always let me off easily?

But ladies and gentlemen, finally I worry.

I think it’s time for me to give a damn about my life, about my future. I know things wouldn’t turn out well if I stay like this.

I’m scared. I always lack of motivation, lack of determination, gets bored easily while studying, hardly concentrate.

 

Hopefully, motivations will strike me at the right times and I’ll be working hard. And God, please help again this time, okay?

Like what they say:

It’s all about giving your best

Pride and Prejudice


“Semakin banyak aku melihat dunia, semakin aku merasa kecewa, dan setiap hari yang berlalu menegaskan keyakinanku, bahwa sifat manusia begitu mudah tergoyahkan, dan betapa sulit bagi kita untuk percaya kebaikan maupun akal sehat,” -Elizabeth Bennet (Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen)

[CONTAINS SPOILER. I WARNED YOU]

Novel klasik yang masuk dalam daftat 100 Buku yang Mengubah Dunia… jujur awalnya aku menduga novel klasik semacam ini seharusnya nggak masuk dalam daftar sepenting itu (karena buku Tolkien juga nggak masuk. Serius, kadang-kadang aku bisa jadi fanatik kalo lagi suka sama sesuatu!) Tapi akhirnya aku baca juga buku ini dan… BAM! Pupus sudah semua argumen bodohku. Haha.

Belum pernah aku baca buku dengan latar Inggris klasik (kecuali kalo Narnia series dibilang Inggris klasik, tapi kan kebanyakan latarnya di Narnia, cuma buku pertama yang banyak latar Inggris waktu perang). Bahasanya berat, muter-muter, bahkan reviewnya orang Inggris yang baca versi non-terjemahannya juga bilang gitu (Yang aku heran, bahasanya setara sama LOTR tapi kok pada males baca LOTR ya? =____=). Tapi setelah setengah bab, aku nggak bisa berhenti baca.

Karakter pertama yang nyantol itu karakternya Mr. Bennet. Konyol dan sarkastik melampaui batas. Udah dapet spoiler dikit-dikit dari Retta sama Revi sama sinopsis di belakang buku kalo tokoh utamanya itu Lizzy sama Mr. Darcy, jadinya aku bingung kok ini si Mr. Darcy nggak muncul-muncul? Dan setelah dia muncul, menurutku karakternya agak manga-like. Tapi karena ini buku udah dari 150 tahun lalu, aku harus bilang karakter-karakter manga yang Darcy-like atau Austen-like. Seperti semua badass guys di manga berhasil membuatku squeeeeeaaaaling like crazy, si Darcy ini nggak jauh beda =_____=

Lizzy sendiri karakternya keren banget, jauh dari tipe Mary Sue dan nggak membosankan sama sekali. Nggak lemah, berani ngomong, sarkastik, kadang-kadang bodoh, keras kepala, karakternya hidup banget nggak kayak karakter novel-novel lain *coughtwilightcough*. Karakter Jane juga manis banget, karakter yang dibilang paling cantik dan selalu dapet spotlight tapi secara sifat nggak antagonis. Biasanya karakter tokoh baik itu baik banget tanpa cacat, sedangkan yang jahat, jahat banget cacat semua, tapi karakter-karakter Austen itu masuk akal dan nggak 100% putih atau 100% hitam.Yang paling njengkelin buatku itu Lydia sama Mr. Collins. Tapi kalo seorang penulis berhasil membuat pembaca mencintai atau membenci tokohnya, berarti dia berhasil menghidupkan karakternya, kan?

Dari segi jalan cerita, seleraku masih tetep sama: sekalipun kita tahu bakal happy ending, jalan menuju happy ending itu wajib nggak bisa ditebak. Setelah baca separuh pas bagian hubungan Darcy sama Lizzy mulai jalan, karena udah mengicipi plot yang muter-muter, aku mikir, “Masih ada separuh, pasti masih ada apa-apa ini.” Trus pas udah mau habis, eh malah si Lady Catherine dateng cari masalah.

Oke, bahas tentang Darcy [i’m going into fangirl mode, i warned you].

Aku memang udah dapet spoiler dikit-dikit tentang Darcy dan walaupun awalnya dia digambarkan nyebelin banget, aku tahu aku bakal tetep suka sama dia dari awal sekalipun aku nggak dikasih spoiler. Sifatnya kayak Natsume-nya Gakuen Alice banget. Sombong tapi cerdas, awalnya meremehkan tokoh utama cewek, pendiam, dsb, dsb. Dan karena aku cinta mati sama Natsume, jelas aku juga bakal cinta mati sama Darcy.

Seleraku memang patut dipertanyakan karena aku nganggep karakter angkuh di cerita-cerita fiksi itu keren dan charming. But boys are not supposed to be cheap and all cheesy, they need to play hard-to-get a bit. Cheesy guy makes me throwing up. Same applies to girls too, of course.

Adegan-adegan Darcy sama Lizzy juga nggak too fluffy atau too cheesy dan bikin aku ketawa-ketiwi sendiri.

Yang menurutku merupakan keunggulan utama novel ini, s e l u r u h  karakternya punya kelemahan. Dari Lizzy, Jane, Darcy, Mr. Bennet yang tergolong protagonist juga punya kelemahan. Prince charming yang romantis dan cheesy kelewat batas itu udah nggak jaman.

Nggak masalah baca teenlit, tapi menurutku buku-buku terjemahan klasik itu underrated banget dan nggak ada yang baca. Buku selegendaris LOTR satu setnya dihargai kurang dari 150 ribu, Ahh, payah banget. Setelah aku baca, akhirnya aku ngerasa buku ini panter masuk dafter 100 Buku yang Mengubah Dunia (tapi bukunya Tolkien tetep harusnya masuuuk! His books is the base of modern fairytale!)

That Awkward Moment…


Mas : Ta, kamu masih punya banyak tugas, kan?
Aku : Hmm…*tetep di depan laptop*

(beberapa detik kemudian)
Aku : *JANGAN-JANGAN MAS ANOM BACA POSTKU TADI MALEM!*

That awkward moment when you realized your brother probably read your post about your first crush on your blog……..

damn…